Monday, August 17, 2009

Why Gene Simmons is a bad influence and giving away an award

Let me introduce you to my friend Michael. This is the best way of summing him up:

I recall my first time with a condom; I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered: 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said and walked to the door and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on,' she said, 'we don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW! I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

"I sure did," I said and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Michael is a thirty three year old male in desperate need of a vasectomy. From my point of view of course, not his.

He got a girl pregnant when he was seventeen. The girl was twenty four. I know, I know: when he says you're his first, he might just mean it. But give credit where credit's due because Michael is a great dad. He is there for his son's rugby matches and end of the year play, giving him just enough pocket money to not buy cigarettes and a coke, spending time with him jamming it out on Guitar Hero.

Michael adores Gene Simmons (just like me!) from KISS and clings to Gene's philosophy on marriage like crabs to ball hair. My friend is more than happy to be the bachelor with the flat screen TV, the sea of clothes around the washing basket, the three day old chips layered all over the living room table.

Michael became a daddy for the second time (that we know of) with a different girl this March. I think he has a problem, but according to him he's not it. The girl moved in with him so he can "keep an eye on them." Yeah, right.

"I couldn't help it; the condom broke."
How about using one you bought at a store that day and not the old ones you got for free at a varsity party nine years ago in the drawer in the first place?

"It's not my fault she's not on the Pill."
Would it kill you to ask first?

Last week a "long lost love" called him anxiously, wanting to meet.

"Jeez, Michael!" I scolded him like an old mother. "Who the hell in this world haven't you slept with? A nun?"

When he gave me a sheepish grin, I wanted to vomit in my mouth. He has no standards, I swear. And he wonders why I won't introduce him to my girlfriends.

Michael is not a bad guy. He is a gentleman in every other way and not a stingy one at that. He's funny, handsome if you're into tall, blond guys and likes to have a good time without even touching a drink. He just loves the idea of love and being in love. Unfortunately when the feeling disappears, so does he.

Maybe if he resembled this chap, things would be a lot different.

The Long Lost Love was fearing pregnancy as she was very late, but too scared to see a doctor. Because he's still my friend and I know a little something about the deceitful ways of women I told him he'd better get her to a doctor and if there is another delivery from the stork on the way, he should insist on a paternity test as soon as he sees those little pink feet.

He came over today wanting to go for a drink to celebrate his 'hit and miss' (one less future-Michael to worry about) when I told him to grow the hell up. Was he ever planning on settling down someday, I asked.

"I'll get married when my children insist on it," and that coming from a preacher's son.

As I mentioned in my previous post, otherwordlyone from Calling people names (you'd better been at her blog already!) awarded me for always having something to say. I'd like to pass this on to the following people:

Matthew: he always makes me feel like the true lady I am (I'm vain, okay! get over it) with his comments and his writing is like having a cup of hot chocolate in the arms of a beloved in front of a fireplace on a cold winter's night. Did that sound poetic or just marvellous? Then yes, that's Matthew for you.

Thegirlwiththepinkteacup: even though not blogging as frequently as all her friends and followers would hope, she still goes through the trouble of leaving long and sincere comments which just proves why she is so popular and loved.

Gorilla Bananas: for a gorilla he is actually pretty talented and he never holds back on the verbal.
Judearoo: for always seeing my point of view and loving it (praise is always welcome here)

Organic Meatbag: he's always honest and true with a dash of humour whenever writing a comment on anyone's blog. You've got to love that in a guy!

Tennyson: he says what he wants to and needs to but in such a way that you end up agreeing with him. He's like the pied piper with an Aussie hat :)

Mo Stoneskin: Monday's with Mo is what I like to call it these days; something to look forward to on one of the dreariest days of the week. In his comments he always relates what you have said back to something in his life; a big plus in my book.

JennyMac: she likes keeping it short and sweet whilst managing to be entertaining at the same time

mysterg: although a Portsmouth fan, he can still leave a comment that manages to make me smile. Maybe I smile because of the fact that he's a Portsmouth fan?! Just kidding, mysterg ;)

Dave King: his comments are always reflective of him being a true gentleman; something money can't buy. Sometimes I don't know how he can stand reading my blog ;)

Eric, I would've nominated you, my dear Italian-speaking-genius-with-marble-annoyingly-talented friend, but otherworldlyone has done it already and rightly so. The same goes for you Sally-Sal, my very first commenter in the dry times and one of my favorite bloggers :)

Thank you all for taking the time and always commenting on what is written here. It's a nice feeling opening my blog in the middle of the day and seeing your name with a comment on my post. My self esteem is like a deflatable mattress sometimes and your comment is like the air pumping it to its proper size.

And thus with my best Elvis impersonation: Thank you; thank you very much!


Anonymous said...

Yet again you're very kind. Thank you, thank you. Lost for words at 7am on a Tuesday - this doesn't bode well for the rest of the day... ;)

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

thanks ladytruth, your comments are always welcome on my blog too.

The Peach Tart said...

Michael definitely needs a vasectomy since he obviously can't keep his penis in his pants.

Lauren Modery said...

Hysterical post. I know a Michael who has the same problem. Luckily enough he escaped without any children or STDs though. I'm not sure how....

To Michaels!

mysterg said...

Haha that condom story is brilliant!

Don't be too hard on your friend, we've all had a near-miss or two in our time, just perhaps he was lucky/unlucky (depending on your viewpoint) not to get away with it!

Thank you for the award, but when you write such stunning posts, it makes it easy to comment!

JennyMac said...

Gene Simmons, condoms and Awards...I feel like I am on MTV. LOL.

Thank you Lady for the great award! I appreciate it. And your blog is comment inspiring.

Constructive Attitude said...

Congrats to everyone on the award! And congrats to ur friend on becoming a daddy? again? lol

Judearoo said...

Aw youre welcome my dear. I can honestly say I always enjoy your posts and result in varying shades of responses from OOh! to snorts of laughter. Keep it up!

p.s - Gene Simmons is a god and your mate Michael seriously needs his arse kicked.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

ladytruth, I've missed your posts so much these last few days! You're hilarious. Or should I say "Michael is hilarious"?? I think we all know guys like him :) He probably needs to start double-bagging it, if you know what I mean!

And thank you so very much for that lovely award! You always leave such amazing comments yourself, sweet thing, so coming from you, this is a extra special. Although now I'm getting paranoid about leaving long comments. I never realised I did it until recently, when Girl Interrupted said I left "epic" comments... D'oh! Love to you, darling one.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

and by "a extra special", I mean "extra special". Clearly I've been having something extra special in my tea tonight.

Organic Meatbag said...

Well thank you very much for the award, ladytruth! I am happy and humbled...

erin said...

I went on a date with my long lost love when I was separated from my ex husband after not seeing or speaking to each other in 7 years and ended up pregnant in a week. Messy messy hot sex...

It ended up working out perfectly so now I get to be with the love of my life and gave him his first (and only) child. Voila! Maybe Michael will find his too.

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

Wow! I can't believe that story about Michael in the store. Love the 'safe sex' photo (shudder).

otherworldlyone said...

I always get mixed up with the Michael's of the world. That's why my kid is at the bottom of a 4 woman child support chain. Horny bastard. Of course I could, no, nevermind. It's all his fault. ;)

That story was awesome! I heart your blog.

Lola Lakely said...

Nice Michael story! I have been a bit MIA in the blogging as of late (blaming the myriad of friends who have desided to take the plunge into the antiquated institution of marriage) but it is so nice to be back and get to catch up with all of the hilarious things that have happened while I was gone.

ladytruth said...

Matthew: you can always use the sore throat excuse and go home early ;)

Tennyson: many thanks for that, dear friend.

Peach Tart: my thoughts exactly!

Lauren: maybe your Michael's time is still to come?! Deceitful women lurk behind every cheap bush and tree ;)

mysterg: I was wondering when the men were going to stand up for each other around here ;)

JennyMac: MTV? It could've been worse, right? Like the Nigerian channel where there's always some kind of love triangle and people speaking funny English. Classic stuff.

Constructive A: I will pass the good wishes along to Michael, but I won't be too enthusiastic about it cause he might just see it as encouragement to do so again ;)

Judearoo: I love Gene Simmons in "Family Jewels." He is just hilarious in a dad slash rockstar way. I can't imagine my dad being like that. Thank goodness!

The Girl: don't worry about it; A extra special just makes me feel extra special!

Organic M: good, then I'm glad :)

erin: isn't messy sex the best sex? Of course, I can't speak from experience, but it just sounds like it ;)

Jeve: I call him Phister; he has a great personality.

OWO: Of course it's his fault! I mean, he couldn't resist a gorgeous girl with a kick ass sense of humour AND amazing writing skills? Yes, he needs therapy ;)

ladytruth said...

Lola: it's crazy how many posts can happen in a day, let alone a week or two. Good luck on the catching up: it's like mount Everest filled with words!

Eric said...

Michael's joke was so funny! I must tell it immediately. Hope all is well down in wintery South Africa!

ps - thanks for the mention :)

ladytruth said...

Eric: he should actually charge the people of some sort of safe-sex campaign. He'll make millions.

And as for the wintery part: we had great spring-promise weather until yesterday when we were reminded that it was all too premature. Bloody cold here now!

ps - you are welcome ;)

Dave King said...

Many thanks for the kind if undeserved - tribute. I always enjoy reading your blog. Today it gave me exactly what I was looking for, a hearty laugh. Your condom story should receive a gold medal. Fantastic.
Thanks again. for both.

BrightenedBoy said...

I know this is going to sound terrible, but he actually sounds really cool. He's the kind of guy every other guy wants to be, and as long as he's giving his children emotional and financial support, I don't really see where there's a big issue.

Madame DeFarge said...

There's a bit of me that wants to dislike him and a bit of me that thinks he sounds fine, as long as you don't become involved with him. Has he ever fallen deeply in unrequited love? I wonder what it will feel like when/if he ever does?

Pearl said...

Well written, enjoyable post!


mo.stoneskin said...

Awww thanks, and that story was hilarious, though I'm gonna have to fail you today, I can't relate the story back to my own life, I've never put a condom on my thumb.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Thank you, Ladytruth. I think Michael deserves some kind of award as well.

ladytruth said...

Dave: I'm all for gold medals. Especially those edible chocolate ones.

Brightenedboy: nah, it doesn't sound terrible at all. Someday he'll be Hugh Hefner.

Madame: according to him he falls passionately in love every single day. At least his heart never gets broken, right? I don't think I'll be able to handle a wet shoulder from a sobbing Michael after all his antics ;)

Pearl: thank you! I will be stopping at your blog soon :)

Mo: thank goodness for that!

GB: welcome back! Yes, he probably does. How about number one scared gutless of commitment man in the world? Nah. Womaniser? He'll just get cocky ;)