Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My friend the witness and my first award

My friend Graham popped over today to say goodbye before he went back to Cape Town. He'd been staying here with his parents during the course of his exams and now that all of its finished: he's off to our version of the Windy City. But not before he shared some of the funny that always seem to follow him around.

"I'm a witness to a crime," is the first thing he says to me after my dog Rupert allowed him to speak. He takes the whole watchdog-thing very seriously, bless his fluffy heart.

"What like a hijacking! A stab-and-grab! Oooh, oooh, or a muuuuuurder?!"
You have to drag the u out to make it seem more ominous.

And don't judge! This is our daily lingo here, so just take a chill pill and get over it.

"Well, it was an almost-murder. Does that count?" he asks puzzled while eating most of my popcorn I just made for my movie Becoming Jane. I adore James Mcavoy when he tries to act all Fight Club and gets his ass kicked all the way back to Glasgow in the process. Not many men can take a defeat like that and still look alright enough to drag to bed. It's an art.

See! Just look at this pose! It must have taken two and half seconds to perfect!
Sheer genius ... sigh ...

What happened was this:

When an exam paper states three hours to complete, Graham will sit and write the damn thing for the whole 180 minutes. I know! Pretty frustrating for the invigilators, right? Wrong. The old lady who's always there watching the students with a Nazi-eye adores Graham. Everyone has to arrive fifteen minutes before the session starts so they can take their seat and begin sweating in angst all by their lonesome self. If you they are late, she makes them stand in front while she hands out all the papers to the rest of the already seated early-nerds, but not before she gives the "naughty ones" a good scolding on bad manners. Not Graham though. She even gives him his paper first even though he's late and when he leaves, she always says:

"See you on Monday (or Tuesday or whatever day his next paper is scheduled for) and enjoy studying!"

She's almost like a stalker, but the worst thing that'll happen to Graham is probably getting a hickey from her toothless mouth. Thluck, thluck. So sexy.

It's just Graham and another student when the Harmless Stalker announces there is an hour left for the three hour paper and the two hour paper-people need to hand in their answering sheets. The student writing the two hour paper appeals and says she's not finished yet as she thought it was actually a three hour one. The Harmless Stalker checks on her own schedule and then walks to the student's desk to check on her actual exam paper to see what the time is on there. As the student lifts up her paper, all her crib notes fall to the floor.

The Harmless Stalker innocently picks them up when she sees the desperate scribbling of a cheater on them and looks at the student in utter shock.

"What are these, Miss?"

Seriously? Is that the most intelligent thing she could come up with in this exciting soapie-like episode? Why not:

"Do you need a lesson in hiding your crib notes, you dumb, cheating donkey?"

Or how about:

"Back in my day we actually made an attempt at writing all things legibly especially when we were planning on cheating. You should really be better prepared, you disgrace of a human fart!"

The student denies everything, but to no avail. You can't cheat an old cheater and when the Harmless Stalker turns around to write the student's name and student number down for her report what does the student do?

She shoves the pages in her mouth and starts chewing like a cow on crack. Chew, chew, chew and swallow

"What do you think you're doing!" yells the Harmless Stalker. "Did you just eat all your crib notes?!" Graham says the Harmless Stalker was as red as a beet and looked like she was going to wring that girl's neck like wet washing.

"What crib notes?" the student asks sarcastically. "No evidence, no crime, biatch!" The student clearly watches too much CSI. And From a G to a Gent with that language.

Graham now has to testify at the hearing. It sounds like a lot of fun.


On to lighter things. I've been awarded! I think this is what it feels like when a guy gets luckily unexpectedly. It's nice getting some good attention for a change; lately I've only been on the receiving end of unpleasant surprises. So thank you, Missy from Life in the left field (which you should please check out as she does wonders with a sewing machine).

I'm not sure what the etiquette is with this sort of thing, but I've never been one for etiquette so I'll be posting it on my sidebar and staring at it all day until my big head pops from too much self-love :)

I am sure though, that many of you mature bloggers have received this award in your younger posts and know what it entails.

"In order to be considered for the award it must be be relatively new, say with in the last 6 months or so and must evoke some kind of response."

I'm going to bend the rules just a little bit and not only pass it on to blogs six months old or less, but also to people with not enough followers while they have amazing writing abilities and lovely personalities.

We all know the feeling of writing a post and checking it every hour and three seconds to see if someone left a comment and the disappointment that follows when you discover the opposite, right? So please pay these people a visit, who knows: maybe you'll find something you never knew you were actually looking for ...

andywarhol goes shopping: you'll immediately fall in love with this sincere drummer from Australia (Tennyson, I haven't seen this award on your blog yet, but if you do have it, just humor me and accept it anyway!)

Different wiredly: she specializes in describing something in such a way that you can taste, feel, touch and hear it by just using your eyes.

The Caped Tirader: I've only been reading his blog for a while now and already I'm a fan of his wit.

Blogged down at the moment: Mariann knows her stuff and she'll entertain you like a good wine at an expensive restaurant.

Dipso Chronicles: Andy provides a little bit of everything whilst educating you in a non-educational way

Lola Lakely: with her honest style she has given me many good chuckles in a short period of time

Meditations on an emergency: mysterg has cutting-edge sharp humor and won't ever leave you disappointed

This is why your hold time is so long: do yourself a favor and go have a look at Jeff's monsters

Stumbling, falling, dreaming, flying: I've stumbled across this blog, fell in love with it immediately and now dream of reading it every night. Please read the post touch; trust me, you'll think about it every time a moment of touch presents itself!

Resurrected Ramblings: Matthew always leaves me with a feeling of envy because I know I will never be able to write like him. It's better than poetry after sex.

see foxes!: because she's a fellow Army Wives-watcher and we are far and few in between!

If you already have this award remember: there's nothing wrong with collecting and showing off twice, people.

Happy reading!


Lola Lakely said...

Oh LadyTruth! Thank you so much for your honorable award! I am not quite sure I deserve it, being such a selfish twit myself.
I need to make sure to properly thank you in my next post!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Thankyou ma'am. Thank you kindly.

Andy said...

Important to note, LT, that this makes exactly two (2) awards that I have received. No need to worry about duplicates just yet. And you may have noticed that my reception of it over at my place was a bit less than gracious - please recognize it as satire, and send no strange viruses from the dark continent my way.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

yay for awards! just found the blog, cheers!

ladytruth said...

Lola L: you're welcome. Actually it's just like thanking a shopaholic for buying you a pair of gorgeous shoes: no problem at all ;)

Tennyson: always so gracious in accepting praise!

Andy: the dark continent indeed these days with all the power outs. I feel like my ancestors living in candlelight. So friggin' romantic.

Chelsea: welcome! Happy reading!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for mentioning me, Ladytruth. There are so many good bloggers out there and honestly, I'm thankful for the time that you or ANYONE takes to stop by my place. Don't be a stranger. :)

Stumbling, Falling, Dreaming & Flying said...

when i was 8 years old i came 5th in the most improved tennis player of the year awards at school. it's nice to finally gain another award. thank you very much!

Organic Meatbag said...

Ladytruth, you deserved that are always entertaining and you're a great blogging buddy!

mysterg said...

Thanks for the award! You made my day!

otherworldlyone said...

You deserved that award lady! Congrats!

As for the girl that ate her paper:

They have a special place for lunatics like that. My house.

ladytruth said...

Matthew: don't encourage me. Perhaps you didn't know that I just make myself at home whenever an invition is extended. Hope you have lots of room for my things!

SFDF: I know the feeling. The last award I got was for best attendance at school :)

Organic M: aw, thank you so much :) Remember, it takes one to see one!

mysterg: just spreading the love, my friend

OWO: there will never be another "commenter" like you! Thanks for always stopping by and taking the time to crack me up :)

cfoxes said...


Thanks so much for the new award. I am humbled.

Eric said...

The perp girl had better watch out, or she'll end up on the special 'College Campus' version of 'Cops'.

Judearoo said...

AH! Thank you so much for this - totally blown away!! An award is a lovely thing to receive especially when I think so much of your writing but mostly Im just so glad you've been enjoying my rambling scribbles.

Have been bounding about the office all day with a big grin on my face, youve fair put a spring in my step, my girl! x

Dave King said...

I loved the variety of that post, but the Graham story took the biscuit. Congrats on the award.

Bunny Boiler said...

That girls gonna' do well in life, I'm with her. Congrats on the award, from what I can see, it appears well deserved.

ladytruth said...

cfoxes: you're welcome :)

Eric: she just might after her hearing! Graham will keep us posted on that one

Judearoo: I'm all for making office workers around the world happy!

Dave: thank you and I will tell Graham he should start his own blog so I can't steal his stories anymore

Bunny B: thank you and welcome to the madness!

Jeff said...

lady! thank you so much! i will post this as soon as i'm able, so much crazythings going on right now, it looks like a wedding had too much to drink and threw up all over our house. there are calla lilies everywhere.

The Caped Tirader said...

Thank you for shouting out my blog :) I will definitely return the favor!