My friend Graham popped over today to say goodbye before he went back to Cape Town. He'd been staying here with his parents during the course of his exams and now that all of its finished: he's off to our version of the Windy City. But not before he shared some of the funny that always seem to follow him around.
"I'm a witness to a crime," is the first thing he says to me after my dog Rupert allowed him to speak. He takes the whole watchdog-thing very seriously, bless his fluffy heart.
"What like a hijacking! A stab-and-grab! Oooh, oooh, or a muuuuuurder?!"
You have to drag the u out to make it seem more ominous.
And don't judge! This is our daily lingo here, so just take a chill pill and get over it.
"Well, it was an almost-murder. Does that count?" he asks puzzled while eating most of my popcorn I just made for my movie Becoming Jane. I adore James Mcavoy when he tries to act all Fight Club and gets his ass kicked all the way back to Glasgow in the process. Not many men can take a defeat like that and still look alright enough to drag to bed. It's an art.
What happened was this:
When an exam paper states three hours to complete, Graham will sit and write the damn thing for the whole 180 minutes. I know! Pretty frustrating for the invigilators, right? Wrong. The old lady who's always there watching the students with a Nazi-eye adores Graham. Everyone has to arrive fifteen minutes before the session starts so they can take their seat and begin sweating in angst all by their lonesome self. If you they are late, she makes them stand in front while she hands out all the papers to the rest of the already seated early-nerds, but not before she gives the "naughty ones" a good scolding on bad manners. Not Graham though. She even gives him his paper first even though he's late and when he leaves, she always says:
"See you on Monday (or Tuesday or whatever day his next paper is scheduled for) and enjoy studying!"
It's just Graham and another student when the Harmless Stalker announces there is an hour left for the three hour paper and the two hour paper-people need to hand in their answering sheets. The student writing the two hour paper appeals and says she's not finished yet as she thought it was actually a three hour one. The Harmless Stalker checks on her own schedule and then walks to the student's desk to check on her actual exam paper to see what the time is on there. As the student lifts up her paper, all her crib notes fall to the floor.
The Harmless Stalker innocently picks them up when she sees the desperate scribbling of a cheater on them and looks at the student in utter shock.
"What are these, Miss?"
Seriously? Is that the most intelligent thing she could come up with in this exciting soapie-like episode? Why not:
"Do you need a lesson in hiding your crib notes, you dumb, cheating donkey?"
Or how about:
"Back in my day we actually made an attempt at writing all things legibly especially when we were planning on cheating. You should really be better prepared, you disgrace of a human fart!"
The student denies everything, but to no avail. You can't cheat an old cheater and when the Harmless Stalker turns around to write the student's name and student number down for her report what does the student do?
She shoves the pages in her mouth and starts chewing like a cow on crack. Chew, chew, chew and swallow
"What do you think you're doing!" yells the Harmless Stalker. "Did you just eat all your crib notes?!" Graham says the Harmless Stalker was as red as a beet and looked like she was going to wring that girl's neck like wet washing.
"What crib notes?" the student asks sarcastically. "No evidence, no crime, biatch!" The student clearly watches too much CSI. And From a G to a Gent with that language.
Graham now has to testify at the hearing. It sounds like a lot of fun.
On to lighter things. I've been awarded! I think this is what it feels like when a guy gets luckily unexpectedly. It's nice getting some good attention for a change; lately I've only been on the receiving end of unpleasant surprises. So thank you, Missy from Life in the left field (which you should please check out as she does wonders with a sewing machine).
I'm not sure what the etiquette is with this sort of thing, but I've never been one for etiquette so I'll be posting it on my sidebar and staring at it all day until my big head pops from too much self-love :)
I am sure though, that many of you mature bloggers have received this award in your younger posts and know what it entails.
"In order to be considered for the award it must be be relatively new, say with in the last 6 months or so and must evoke some kind of response."
I'm going to bend the rules just a little bit and not only pass it on to blogs six months old or less, but also to people with not enough followers while they have amazing writing abilities and lovely personalities.
We all know the feeling of writing a post and checking it every hour and three seconds to see if someone left a comment and the disappointment that follows when you discover the opposite, right? So please pay these people a visit, who knows: maybe you'll find something you never knew you were actually looking for ...
andywarhol goes shopping: you'll immediately fall in love with this sincere drummer from Australia (Tennyson, I haven't seen this award on your blog yet, but if you do have it, just humor me and accept it anyway!)
Different wiredly: she specializes in describing something in such a way that you can taste, feel, touch and hear it by just using your eyes.
The Caped Tirader: I've only been reading his blog for a while now and already I'm a fan of his wit.
Blogged down at the moment: Mariann knows her stuff and she'll entertain you like a good wine at an expensive restaurant.
Dipso Chronicles: Andy provides a little bit of everything whilst educating you in a non-educational way
Lola Lakely: with her honest style she has given me many good chuckles in a short period of time
Meditations on an emergency: mysterg has cutting-edge sharp humor and won't ever leave you disappointed
This is why your hold time is so long: do yourself a favor and go have a look at Jeff's monsters
Stumbling, falling, dreaming, flying: I've stumbled across this blog, fell in love with it immediately and now dream of reading it every night. Please read the post touch; trust me, you'll think about it every time a moment of touch presents itself!
Resurrected Ramblings: Matthew always leaves me with a feeling of envy because I know I will never be able to write like him. It's better than poetry after sex.
see foxes!: because she's a fellow Army Wives-watcher and we are far and few in between!
If you already have this award remember: there's nothing wrong with collecting and showing off twice, people.