Monday, August 24, 2009

Sure I can be Arnold Schwarzenegger!

I am not my mother's daughter anymore. I am now my mother's Muscle. Yes, Muscle with a capital M to make me seem more threatening and important because it's like a title. Without the title of king Henry the VIII seems like a pervert shagging anything wearing a dress.

My mom is 61 now; an age where she is perfectly capable of doing things herself. I still go shopping with my mom all the time, but this week I have been a bit preoccupied with the netball as one of the girls broke her arm during practice and I felt responsible and terrible. I am officially the worst non-parent in the world therefore I locked myself in the house and was confined to my uncomfortable-yet-stylish living room couch watching horror films and eating lots of carrot cake with terribly zesty icing which just made my glands swell up and itch by merely glancing at that cake. All it ended up doing was giving me stomach cramps and making me feel like a fat faced pumpkin.

But I digress, because my mom got mugged this week. Well, kind of. She went into the store to buy a plastic bucket for some obscure reason and when she got back to her car, two men approached her in a ungentlemanly fashion as one tried to grab her handbag.

Now, my mom unfortunately has this terrible saving-habit. She finally got the car of her dreams after driving one messed up canary yellow two door piece of crap which only purpose was to embarrass me at school when she dropped me off. I once asked her to drop me off on the corner and let me walk the rest of the way with the excuse that I needed all the exercise I could get growing up and all, but she insisted it wasn't safe and let me get out in front of my class room. And that was even before Columbine, people! I feel sorry for my nieces and their popularity taking a dive before it even had a chance to bloom.

Back to the saving. Her new car has air conditioner and all the lovely perks that you bloody well pay for when buying the car of your dreams. But my mother does not use her air conditioner.

"It just eats up the gas. And gas is really expensive these days, love. We have to save every penny we can."

Yes, mother; there is a tiny rat named Tim sucking up all the gas in your tank and getting high on the fumes at the gas station. What can you do?

So my mother was hot from bothering all the shop assistants in her search for the right bucket ... eh ... I mean shopping and although it's winter, she popped her window down. Just what the two thugs were hoping for. According to Mom they appeared out of nowhere.

"Like real ninjas, I tell you!"

Because the car has a central locking system, Jackie Chan just popped up the lock which allowed Jet Lee access to the passenger side where my mom's purse was.

Now, the ladies will get it when I say your whole life can pretty much be found in your purse. In my mom's case, anyway: credit cards, debit cards, shopping cards, gift vouchers, driver's licence, pictures of the family just in case you bump into an old enemy you want to impress with rubbing your beautiful children and grandchildren's smiling faces under her nose, house keys, car keys, the safe's keys, lipstick, another set of earrings in case you lose one whilst shopping like last time and end up looking like an idiot with one earring or a trashy tart wearing none (that's Mom's opinion, not mine), you get the idea. Would you just let your precious life slip into the uncaring hands of a street thug who's about to go on the shopping spree of his life?

Neither did my mom.

She apparently yelled some things even I cannot repeat in this post and was able to grab a hold of the purse's sling. The adrenaline storm kicked in and she said she felt like Samson with the Philistine about to cause her great discomfort canceling credit cards and standing in queues longer than the audition phase in So you think you can dance. I guess it'll be more like Get in line if you've been robbed from all the crap you carry around weighing your shoulder down and giving you early onset arthritis. I'm sure it would be an instant hit. The part where you're supposed to dance for your life would probably be the re-enactment of how you were robbed. I'd pay money to see Mom do that.

The thugs evidently noticed my mom was stronger than she looked, that she in fact has the strength of 300 Spartans hidden in her matured body from gardening and picking up whining grand kids and they took off without the purse and three black eyes. She at least got some punches in, she said proud.

Mom was still pretty shaken up behind her kick-ass exterior though, and so I assigned myself to the Muscle position. I may be little, but I am strong and there is, after all, strength in numbers. Four fists are better than two? Take into account my screeching ability and awesome aerobic high kicks and we're a fierce team, Mom and I.

Being a Muscle I get free lunches and clothing items whilst doing my job escorting Mom to all the good shops in the Mall. It's not that bad at all, really. I might just quit my day job for this and who knows? Maybe I'll run for governor someday.


Organic Meatbag said...

Your Mom is one hell of a tough lady! I might need her to watch my back the next time I have to walk through the bad part of town...hahahaha!

otherworldlyone said...

All you had to say was free lunch / stuff and I was on the bandwagon. Mmm. Free. Same as orgasm...only spelled differently.

Glad your mom gave them the ole' one-two.

I have a strategy. If I'm ever mugged...I'm just going to stand there and laugh.

I'm always broke, you see.

Eric said...

Way to go! Glad that no one was hurt besides the criminals...

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's the Afrikaner blood. I bet you and your mum would make good front row props. I don't know who'd be the hooker between you.

The Caped Tirader said...

Bravo to your mom. I have a similar story about my late grandma. She got into a fender bender with a 21 year old guy who when he got out of his car, took a swing at her. She dodged it and gave him a black eye and bloody nose. Then, he sued her for assault. Of course it got thrown out of court...anyway, What cowards those two men were. I wish I could catch someone doing that so I could put a pounding on them! Way to go Mother Truth!!

mysterg said...

I just had a vision of your mum doing a Dirty Harry: "You've got to ask yourself one question, do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?!"

Anonymous said...

Do you wear sunglasses and trail a coiled shaver lead behind your ear so that it looks like you have an earpiece in?

Hell, I would. Live the dream. :)

The Peach Tart said...

Your Mom kicks ass. Go Mom.

Sally-Sal said...

Hell, Mom could be your muscle ;)

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Your mum is awesome. Mine would've given her bag away in a heartbeat. And seriously, if someone was after my wallet, they better come packin' coz that sucker isn't going anywhere.

Judearoo said...

Huzzah for mammy! To be fair I dont blame her for loosing the head and defending her handbag like a precious child, mine is the same; chockablock with 'me' stuff. There is probably a small family of immigrants set up home in there somewhere, these people need protecting.

JennyMac said...

Bad Ass Mamalita! So glad this tale has a positive ending, Lady.

erin said...

They always tell you not to fight back when someone's trying to rob you...I guess that's bullshit eh?

A couple months ago I was harassed and followed by a gaggle of teenage ruffians outside of a small downtown supermarket. Ever since Jeremiah has completely forbade me from going anywhere by myself at night. It sucks.

ladytruth said...

Organic M: I'm sure she's up for hire. I'll check her schedule ;)

OWO: my thoughts exactly! Besides, if it says "free" I'm so there.

Eric: I can always count on you to look on the bright side :)

GB: my mom still has her sexy going on. It would be a tough one.

Caped T: More power to older people, I say!

Mysterg: my parents were really into those type of movies; maybe that's where my mom gets her bad ass streak from?

Matthew: I haven't upgraded to that yet, still talking into my watch whilst perfecting the I-am-scanning-the-perimeter-look. I'll keep you posted. Over and out.

Peach T: she is someone worth looking up to :)

Sally-Sal: Unfortunately I won't run that idea by her as that would be the end of the free food. Can't let that happen just yet.

Tennyson H: You don't want to be my muscle by any chance?

Judearoo: I'm with you on that one; I think I have a colony of midgets in my bag.

JennyMac: if we can't laugh about it afterwards, it ain't worth telling ;)

erin: well, not always. Sometimes you can't use the hand-in-the-pocket-pretending-to-be-a-gun-move too much as it might just backfire and have you ending up with a missing thumb or worse from a gun shot. You can never be too safe and Jeremiah is absolutely right protecting the love of his life by placing you under night-arrest :)

cfoxes said...

Wow! Good for your Mom!

Lola Lakely said...

Sounds like you have one kick-ass mom- emphasis on kick. I'm so glad that she was able to get her purse and get some good licks in.

My mom is a serious soft spot for me. If anyone tried to mess with her, I would tear them apart. Limb by limb and maybe even drain their blood for good measure. Awesome story, thanks for sharing!

ladytruth said...

cfoxes: yes, she's just happy she still has her handbag. She's had it for the best part of the century ;)

Lola: kick-ass sounds so much better than punch-face, right? But yes, I feel exactly the same way, hence the protection from now on :)