Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Seeking advice

(This is the real reason Ronaldo left Man Utd)

I've had a pretty decent week so far bragging and rubbing salt in all the Man Utd wounds I could possibly find thus making me one happy chappy.

That was until this evening: when I heard about the cheating.

So we've all probably cheated at one time or the other in our wandering-eye lives. I have no problem with cheaters, I even consider it comedy hour when I watch the show Cheaters on television, but it becomes an issue when my friend is the one being cheated on. It's like the Sopranos: your friends become like your extended family and if someone messes with the family? Let's just say you better have a good plastic surgeon on speed dial.

Just kidding, relax! I've just always wanted to say that and be all mob-like and wicked cool and … ok … I'll stop right there.

The whole thing started when some of the guys came over to my house on Sunday to watch Chelsea destroy, uh, beat Man Utd in penalties in such a way even their mothers were ashamed to be associated with them. Did I mention I like rubbing salt in wounds?

Anyway, this one friend of mine comes along all merrily to watch the game, totally ignorant of the fact that I haven't seen him or heard from him in about six months, but still feels himself worthy to drink my liquor and eat my biltong (biltong being like beef jerky but just WAY better my Yankee friends tell me). I don't like having this friend around because he takes talking smack to a whole other level: the level which usually ends up with a fist in the face, but we didn't want to ruin the excitement that comes with the start of the new season of premiership football and thus nobody bothered listening to him. For the purpose of this post, let's just call this friend Smack.

After the game we had a BBQ and just a good catching-up session with most of the guys leaving at a respectable eleven o' clock. Except Smack. Because he wanted to talk more smack, but I really wasn't in the mood so I made a mistake … sorry … arrangement that I would meet him for coffee or a drink after netball practise today. What did he want to talk about, you may ask at this point urging me to actually just get to the point which is:

Smack has/had a new "girlfriend" which is just his term for the screw in his overactive screwdriver as he can't even keep a conversation going, let alone an attempt at a relationship and if I'm playing judge on this one you better know it's bad. He goes through girls quicker than a roll of toilet paper. It's just nasty.

More to just let him talk and not expect a response from my side, I ask him to describe her to me which he unfortunately did in every last gross detail. When I asked him if this seemingly painted lady had a name, I spilled half a glass of Jack D which made me even angrier. Turns out it's Chris's girlfriend and my (ex) friend. Just read all about the history on this link if you haven't seen it or merely need to refresh your memory.

Let's just call her Z: not for Zorro (I love that masked Spanish man too much to humiliate him like that), but Z for Zero as in she is dead to me.

I felt like Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson on The Closer as I assumed the roll of interrogator without Smack suspecting anything (she's really good at asking questions, that chick).

"Smack, that is truly an amazing story. The way you describe it makes it sound like true love?"
This is me puking in my hand.

"Nah, love is just a four letter word. You of all people should know that."
At least he can spell. Thank gawd for small mercies.

"True, true. Is that why we haven't seen you around? You've missed out on a few good Fridays, my friend."
Whatever. The only thing he missed was us ignoring him making a drunken fool out of himself.

"Nah, that was like last week. But she got all clingy and stuff and I told her like chill, cheapy, I don't need no complications, you know? And she got all like tissue on me who just messed up my like Hang Ten jacket and I just didn't need that in my life right now, you know?"
When I said he can spell, I meant it's as far as his language education goes. And he went to an English private school. Sad, I know.

"I feel so sorry for that (bitch) girl, Smack. You should seriously learn how to treat women better. How many times have we talked about respect?"

"Respect? Nah, I just respect you, baby," whilst giving what was probably an attempt at a sexy smile, but all I could see was Gollum wanting me to make out with him. Yuggy.

"So sorry to be rude, but I have to get up early tomorrow to go to … eh … gym. Thanks for the drink. Keep well!"
Luckily he's so self-centered he never realizes when people actually lie to him. Poor bastard.

Z was/is/has been/had been cheating on my best friend. How do I handle this situation? I don't want to be the "friend" that told him his girlfriend was fooling around with Smack of all people! Chris acts all macho and boys-don't-cry, but it won't be the best feeling hearing from someone your girlfriend went to seek greener (more like heavily armed with aftershave) pastures? And he obviously doesn't know because he was there on Sunday with the rest of the guys cheering by my side for our favorite football team.

And don't tell me he's into "Sharing with Smack." That's just wrong on so many levels. He's not really good at hiding his feelings; I can tell he's lying just by looking at his mouth. Don't ask me why or how, I just know. It's like I have a supersniffer when it comes to Chris telling lies. He hasn't figured out my secret tell though. Hehe.

But what to do? Maybe I should confront her? Yes! Then I can try that new combo of Superman I've been practicing on Mortal Kombat vs. DC. I love hearing "Finish him!"

I don't have a problem; I just mix fantasy with reality sometimes like all you people who watch and read Harry Potter, okay!

Let's not digress anymore as I know I have to do something, but I'm just not sure what and how cause I'll be damned it that girl gets away with breaking my best friend's heart. Until I come up with a solution, I will be busy perfecting my move non-stop, so don't be frightened or worried when you stumble across an article in our local newspaper about a homeless man getting kung fu'd by a blonde lady claiming to be Clark Kent in disguise. It's all in the name of friendship.


mysterg said...

I've been in exactly this situation and I ended up confronting the girl who was cheating on one of my friends with another friend of mine, basically telling her that if she didn't tell her boyfriend, then I would.

In the end I had to do it, but it all worked out well in the end. The couple are still together (10 years now!) and the other guy turned out to be gay. But we're all still friends.

Having said all that, I am a Pompey fan...

Eric said...

Careful before confronting the girl, you only know what he said. What if it was possibly not true and/or you are being manipulated to split them up?

No guy would want to hear that news, and maybe there's a reason she hasn't split up with him yet?

Go 'Dallas Burn'!!!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Yeah, I don't know how to handle this either. On the one hand, you want to make sure your best friend is happy but, on the other, you don't want to be the one who delivers the bad news, coz no matter what, the messenger always gets killed. If you talk to her, maybe she'll try to turn Chris against you. If you don't, you'll get the blame for not saying when he finds out. And he will find out. I don't know.

Anonymous said...

It seems like you're in a rough place. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I certainly don't envy you the decision as much as I envy you getting to watch the Charity Shield. Shallow but true.

ladytruth said...

mysterg: I never considered the fact that Smack might actually be gay; need to get back to you on that one. And as for supporting Portsmouth: I have no problem whatsoever with any other team except for Man Utd, Liverpool and Arsenal :)

Eric: also very true, although I doubt Smack has the intelligence to be manipulative. But I'll take that point of view into consideration and wait to see if anything noteworthy happens before I do anything. I actually never thought about that, so thanks, Eric :)

Tennyson: you just summed up all my fears in one paragraph. On the one hand I wish I never found out about this stupid mess; it's like Smack always says: "I don't need no complications in my life right now." I can't believe I just quoted him. Excuse me while I go wash my hands for typing that crap :)

Judearoo said...

Erk! The plot thickens, eh?

Does 'Smack' know about your history with Chris and that Chris and your ex-buddy are now together? Think he might just be trying to to stir some shite and cause trouble between you all? I mean are you sure its true?

I say you need more info before any sort of confrontation, then you can kick some arse...

ladytruth said...

Matthew: don't fret too much, dear friend, I'm all about shallow :)

Judearoo: oh no, no no! No one knows about our history. No one except my dear blog friends, that is ;) We've never spoken about it after that one night. A bit odd, I know. But yes, I will put on my Veronica Mars-face and do some investigating to get to the bottom of this.

Missy said...

I would totally confront her!
Hey, I left an award for you on my blog...

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Oh, darling ladytruth, I really don't envy your situation. Like Eric says, it's worth considering the fact that this guy might be exaggerating things out of all proportion just to seem like he's getting laid. It would be truly horrible if you decided to say something to her, or to Chris, only to find out later that Smack's claims were completely false. Others have said it better than I have, but it really does seem to be one of those 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' kind of scenarios, doesn't it? There just isn't an easy answer :( Dammit!

I suppose I'd probably be doing everything I could to protect my friend's best interests - but then again, it's so hard to know what's best, isn't it? Tennyson summed this whole dilemma so well. (He's a bloody clever fellow.) All I can really say is that I'm wishing you all the best for whatever happens. Good luck, lovely lady. Fingers crossed that you and Chris both come out of this whole situation OK.

otherworldlyone said...

I think I'd have to do what Mysterg did...approach her first and then him if she doesn't fess up. I couldn't let my best friend keep screwing some chick that might give him weeping wennie. Especially in your case...you might want to get on that again. ;)

JennyMac said...

Ugh...tough situation, as you already know. So sorry to hear this and I don't envy the position either. I was told my roommate her boyfriend was cheating on her. She refused to believe it. And she was a bright and beautiful girl. She REFUSED to believe it which was one of the most surprising things that I have encountered with her. People react strangely when up against the wall sometimes.

Good luck.

And I did crack up at the superman cartoon.

ladytruth said...

Missy: thank you! You're my first ;)

The girl: it's great to see you in the blogsphere again :) And thanks for the kind words of advice; I think if someone else would be able to handle this situation, it would be you

OWO: hehe! I have an image of a crying penis in my mind now ;)

JennyMac: I'll keep you posted on Chris's intelligence level as to believing me or not when I've spoken to the suspect in question. And yes, isn't Superman just so classy? A real keeper, that one.

Surge said...

wOAH! Jaw dropped open, wasn't expecting to read that.. Don't know if they worked it out yet but I'm gunna keep reading to find out..

It's a little ironic how you mention JD in both those posts, though. Haha. I'm thinking thats one of your favorite drinks?