Saturday, September 19, 2009

Tea for two?

So we didn't have tea. The second date and I, but at least this time I could order a Screaming Multiple Orgasm without having to go to confession afterwards.

The date wore a suit to our, well, date. Now I only know two kinds of men who wear suits to work: creepy funeral parlour people and male prostitutes.

Of course he was neither. My mother organised him for me after all and I doubt she would let a technical detail like what the candidate does for a living slip by her prude and conservative radar. If my mother's radar could be compared to anything, let's just say the Titanic would never have sunk on her sharp watch.

The date was an attorney. He was, unfortunately, not any kind of attorney. He was a divorce attorney. I had to smile at the irony of this whole situation.

Every time he said 'marriage' I felt obligated to boo! like the crowd at the MTV awards with the mere mention of ol' Kanye's name.

He's 30, never been married (BIG surprise) and wants someone he could grow old with. That is just code for fix-the-holes-in-my-socks-and-while-you're-up-pass-me-the-remote-because-the-game-is-starting-soon.

I might have paid more attention to his sincere attempts at making a real connection if I didn't have hiccups. As in THE hiccups. I had been running around all day and breakfast came and gone like Elizabeth Taylor's first marriage. So did lunch. When I don't eat all day, something happens with my insides and I start getting these crazy hiccups. Let's just say it wasn't the ideal way to start a date.

You try having a serious conversation about your work, life and where you see yourself in ten years (the normal dating material) while the woman sitting across from you croaks every nine seconds like there's a frog in her body the size of King Kong judging by the sound of the hiccup. It went something like this:

Eli Stone (that's the only decent, nice attorney I know):
"I've met many women in my line of work. Bitter, hard, sometimes insane women, but none like yo -"

Ladytruth: "CROAK!!!!"
(whilst smiling sweetly and concentrating on not spitting out her drink. Too much humiliation can't be good for the brain.)

Eli Stone: (a little frown appears, but still smiling as though he's a first grade teacher looking at a freaky kid with six pony tails on her head and a missing tooth)

Ladytruth: (trying to save the situation and her dignity)
"You know, I've never met a divorce attorney before. I bet you've never be screwed CROAK!!!"

Eli Stone (the little frown is upgraded to big brother Frown like the principal looking irritated with the girl who punched a boy for bullying her friend because he has nerdy glasses and freckles)
"Are you sure you're alright? Shouldn't I scare you or something to make them stop?"

Not even IT could scare the hiccups away at that stage. Not even the thought of me spanking his funky monkey could make the hiccups go away. I'd probably have a huge croak and end up phoning his parents from the emergency room thanks to a 'freaky accident'. Damn hiccups.

Needless to say, we didn't have dessert.

On our way home, Chris just smiled when I complained about the disaster that was the date.

"That bad, huh?" he asked and I could only nod with utter and great disappointment. Eli Stone had a really cute bum.

Then again, he is a divorce attorney and if we were to get married he might just go all crazy on me one day with:

"Go to the kitchen and cook me some supper, woman, or I'll sue you and take half of your closet AND the dogs,"

and then I might just have to kill him to get rid of those silly demands.

I guess all that's left to say is:



Constructive Attitude said...

LOLLLL. you poor thing. did chris come along for this date as well?????

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Awww poor Eli. LoL

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Awww! He is SO missing out... I think hiccups are adorable.

Ed Adams said...

Are you sure you aren't being too critical just because your mom is setting all these up? You never know when or how you're going to meet "the one". All you can doing is have fun along the way.

Anonymous said...

I think it's admirable that you're going on dates that are suggested by your mother. I can't imagine I would.

omchelsea said...

I loooove the marathon hiccups :)

Anonymous said...

lol...what a date ;)

Poor Eli...he wore a suit to your DATE??? :D

Judearoo said...

Hilarious as always, missus!

And well done on taking a few chances. But if your Mam is anything like my Mam the next 8 are going to be very 'NICE' boys; i.e. no swinging from the chandeliers.
Hiccups aside, Im not sure it was the match made in heaven and it DOES make terrific reading.

Oh and by the way, are you on twitter?

Suga said...

ehehe ... interesting ... first tym on the blog ... liked it ... esp ... count ur blessings thng ... haha :)
nice :)

Dan. said...

Ladytruth, so what do you think of your chances of finding "Mr Right" from these dates? Slim to anorexic? Either way, its making fantastic reading.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Eli Stone is a damn good name for a lawyer. Your pet name for him could be "Kidney". I think you should see him again when you've lost the hiccups.

Sami said...

This is a great set of posts, I'll have you know. Every one I've read has got me giggling; you have a way with words! (I love envisioning King Kong frogs in my stomach!) Although it seems like you're taking it all in stride and being the awesome lady you are. :) Keep 'em coming!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I'm not trying to be a smartarse or anything but I was 30 and looking for someone to grow old with. I didn't go on any blind dates my mum had set up however. But, I'm a 'nice guy.' My wife will tell you, nice guys make you happy.

ladytruth said...

Constructive A: you bet Chris came along! And he'll be coming to the next eight as well. He's like my designated driver if the dating world were to be a party :)

AlpHa B: I think I scarred the poor thing for life.

The girl: thanks! They just hurt a little sometimes, but if he can't handle the hiccups, he won't be able to handle the rest of the unforseen events that is my life ;)

Ed: I think 'the one' won't get irritated with my croaking on the first date already. Croaking would be the least of his worries.

Matthew: anything to keep Mom happy! And who doesn't love a good supper every week at a different restaurant? The benefits of these dates are really not that bad ;)

omchelsea: when they eventually pass, it feels like my insides did indeed run a bloody marathon!

kasabiangirl: I know!!! I thought I was the only one thinking it was a bit strange. We went on the date at about 9pm and no one around here works until that ungodly hour. It was an expensive suit though so maybe he wanted to impress me with his wealth.

Judearoo: I'm also not anticipating finding out about the next one's 'bedside manner' any time soon judging by Mom's first two choices. As for twitter: I used to be but deleted my account. I might start one up again if pressured ;)

Suga: welcome! Glad you like my mole-rat. He keeps me humble.

Dan: good question. I'm thinking more along the lines of bulimic, what do you say? But hey, who am I to shatter Mom's illusion of the perfect couple? I did put in a request for Robert Buckley aka Kirby from Lipstick Jungle and also now seen in One Tree Hill, but Mother found him 'too sweet.' I rest my case.

GB: I have to give you kudos for that one!

Sami: thank you for always being so nice and sweet and kind! It makes blogging fun :)

Tennyson: I'm sure you would've endured a hiccupping freak of nature with more grace though, Tenny. He wasn't nice, he was mean for not letting me have dessert.

Mega8815 said...

Haha! Shame!!

Judearoo said...

Consider yourself pressured! :)

JennyMac said...

CROAK!! hahah..
No dessert? Ummm see you later Mr. Clown.

I was wondering if Chris came too. LOVE IT.

otherworldlyone said...

Chris is a real trooper. Maybe at the end of this never know! ;)

I get angry when I get the hiccups...which makes it worse.

Divorce attorney. NEXT indeed!

Kristin said...

That's a Snapped episode waiting to happen. Ah ha

ladytruth said...

Mega: It is indeed a shame that Mother thought I'd be compatible with a man allergic to hiccups

Judearoo: I'll see what I can do ;)

JennyMac: yes, a date without dessert is like kissing someone without a mouth: it just can't happen. I think Chris is loving this way too much for my liking, though. He actually phones me five times a day to find out when the next date is. Talk about dedication!

OWO: that he'll hook up with one of them? You never know ... ! I get angry too, but attempting to punch yourself in the diaphragm isn't helpful either. I will make sure, however, that I've had some lunch before the next date just in case Prince Charming is scared of frogs ;)

Kristin: maybe that's not such a bad idea! I could end up being famous after all these dates :)

mo.stoneskin said...

Hiccups on a date is pretty bad luck. I mean, unless one has a diaphragm disorder, what are the chances?

Hey, I wear a suit. Are you slating suit-wearers?

*hiccups start, prompted by shock and upset*

I love the way you write by the way.

ladytruth said...

Mo: most men can pull of a suit with style and sophistication, but Eli Stone wearing a suit to supper at 9pm just screamed: either I have no social life as I just got back from the office or I don't have anything casual in my closet like jeans or I just wanted to show you how much money I have. Next time I'll wear an evening gown on the date to enhance the Cinderella-syndrome.

And thank you very much for the compliment, by the way ;)

Leah Rubin said...

One more loser out of the way. Moving on...

La Jenno said...

Not to mention the pre-nup that he would inevitably believe you must sign before he'd join you in matrimonial "bliss!"


ladytruth said...

Leah: wiser words have never been spoken ;)

La Jenno: Welcome :) I know! Being the youngest of three children I'm not really good with the whole sharing thing and I'm sure he'd screw me over even before we'd make it to the bedroom. Thus? Please pass!

Lola Lakely said...

You may be the only other person I know (besides me) who watched that show. Awesome that you named him Eli Stone. I love this kinds of dating disaster stories.

Adding dialog to this story makes it all the more delicious especially when you sprinkle in descriptions like:(whilst smiling sweetly and concentrating on not spitting out her drink). Made me giggle!

ladytruth said...

Lola: I LOVED Eli Stone (not the date) and I was so disappointed when it just ended with one season considering all the other crap that's on television these days. Do I sound like a grandmother with a fly swatter and too much time on her hands?

I try to keep my mom's reputation of raising a daughter with good manners in tact every now and again. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate my drink mixed with saliva on the table. Yay for taking one for the team, right? ;)