Sunday, September 27, 2009

Can you hear the weddingbells?

If you do, you probably suffer from a concussion and have to go to the emergency room immediately.

I went on my third compulsory-by-mother date on Friday evening. And although I kinda feel like an old, desperate cow being auctioned off to the first and most equally desperate bidder, I still see it as an occasion to introduce this side of the world to Fabulousity by Fashion.

Now men don't usually notice details. When they open the grocery cupboard all they see are shelves with items that will eventually find their way to their rumbling stomach and preferably not prepared by themselves, but and equally rumbling female.

When women open the grocery cupboard, we turn into those scanners at a till: we spot all. We even notice spices that are arranged in alphabetical order and our hands become like the tongue of a frog that has spotted a delicious fly: snatch and grab. Quick. Simple. Easy.

This is usually the reason for men saying:

"You look nice"

or if they're really daring:

"That dress brings out the color of your eyes."

Really? I must be having a serious case of pink eyes then and will join you with the concussion in the emergency room stat.

That's why I was so surprised when Date #3 got up, took my hand and said:

"A woman who can wear those Louis Vuitton shoes without it wearing her deserves a standing ovation."

Right there and then I knew this evening would be as unforgettable as the Madonna and Britney kiss. Just in a PG way.

Clint and I hit if off from the word "Chanel" and it felt like we'd been friends since our womb-days. We even dared karaoke and got a bit carried away with Time of my life by doing that last dance from Dirty Dancing as an ode to Patrick Swayze (whom we both loved and adored).

Except for that last lift. Please, that would just be social suicide.

I suspected Clint was gay from the start and he admitted and embraced that fact straight away. We talked about how his parents were in total denial of this. Being from a strict Protestant Afrikaans family (they even have the farm to go with the family history) it's not hard to believe that his parents would turn a blind eye to the fact that their son would much rather be out on a Friday night with his sweet and understanding partner of eight years than singing the duet of My endless love with an equally frustrated new lady friend.

When I asked him why he doesn't just tell them the truth, he said with a far off look:

"I can't hurt them like that. They are proud people; proud to the extent of cutting their right arm off if it were to go against what they believe. They have been so good to me and telling them would break their hearts. I simply don't have the courage yet."

Just to make sure Clint was really gay and not just faking it like this one guy I knew that would always come to our hostel pretending to be gay just so he could sneak a peak of our naked bums via the keyhole of the bathroom door, I asked Clint when we got back from the stage and sat down at our table:

"Would you like to touch my boobs?"

He smiled, took a sip of his drink and said:

"If I had any desire to fondle boobs, I'd pinch my own or Shane's (the sweet, understanding partner of eight years). But if it'll make you feel better, I'll grab your ass when we go sing All the single ladies."

He truly knows the way to a woman's self esteem.


Hannah Miet said...

Oh man. What a date! Hilarious.

"A woman who can wear those Louis Vuitton shoes without it wearing her deserves a standing ovation."

No way in hell he could possibly be straight.

Please keep these stories coming!

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Now I don't believe a single word of it. lol

Dan. said...

Now surely there must be someone reading this somewhere, thinking, "HBO sitcom"?

Just think of it? You go through all of these dates, and the very last one turns out to be Mr Perfect?

Burning question is who would you have playing you Ms Truth?

Mr. Condescending said...

so did he grab your ass!? haha

mysterg said...

You didn't try and turn him?

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Now that sounds like a fabulous date. Are you going to see him again? As friends obviously.

One sassy girl said...

Give him my number. I love gay dates.

The next date is surely "the one" ;)

staceyjwarner said...

Great story, popped over from Guy's blog on your blog, please come check out mine...I think you'll find we have a lot in common except I have a kid...LOL!

Trinity said...

I am so disappointed. I was really hoping it would turn out he was straight and just really out of touch with how gay he acted. That would have been sir truth for sure.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Gay or not, he shouldn't have refused the invitation to fondle your boobs. That's just wasteful.

mo.stoneskin said...

Anyone who speaks about your shoes like that deserves a standing ovation.

Funnily enough I read the words 'desperate bidder' as 'desperate bladder'. I think it is probably because I'm busting right now.

ladytruth said...

Hannah M: just imagine if he was straight; he'd be like the perfect man: he knows how to compliment a lady on what she's wearing in such a way that she feels like a million bucks, he can sing, he can dance as in sweep you off your feet dancing and he has an incredible sense of humor. He's almost too perfect. Sigh.

AlPha B: in a way I'm glad I went on this date because he's one hell of a guy and I at least made a new and very good friend out of this one :)

Dan: it would be great getting rewarded moneywise for all these bloody dates. Mom would be so proud. As for Mr. Perfect? I just met him and he was gay ;) Who'd play me in the sitcom? Hmmmmm ... I'd love for it to be Lauren Graham who was Lorelai Gilmore in 'Gilmore Girls.' I can relate to her in many ways, except for the having a kid at sixteen part. And it makes sense: my life is like something out of a bloody television series.

Mr. C: he did! And he had quite a firm grip too which made me think of Roger Federer. Dreamy :)

mysterg: I tried to bite his neck and turn him into a straight, but that didn't work out so well ;)

Tennyson: absolutely! I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We're having coffee this Wednesday and him and Shane are coming with me to a show on Saturday. I see some good times on the horizon!

OSG: I'd be sure to tell him and I think he'd love it :) As for the 'one' Chris said I must have been a bad person in a previous life to go through all these dates and I have to agree with him, but in the search for that one special person I may as well have fun along the way.

staceyjwarner: I'll be there as fast as you can say 'finish-reading-and-replying-to-comments' ;)

Trinity: sigh. I know. Another one bites the dating-dust, right? I have a graveyard full of disappointing dating experiences by now.

Gorilla B: it would actually have been a good test for Chris as my muscle. I haven't seen a karaoke-fight yet. Bar fights? Sure. It would've been one for our small town history books. Sorry, book. Singular.

Mo: I don't think my writing has ever had that kind of effect on a reader. Next time I'll keep it short and sweet ;)

Anonymous said...

To any woman reading this: the fact that I claim to be married is just a front to mask my true sexuality. Feel free to flash me if you absolutely must. :)

Eric said...

Aww, well at least you had fun then. Ask him to call if the situation changes.

ladytruth said...

Matthew: just make sure your health insurance is up to par for when women find out the truth it's usually a little painful ;)

Eric: it was really a great evening, yes, but I think he'll be able to change to the straight and narrow as much as a leopard can change its spots. But gay friends are really great listeners and won't ever let a girl leave the house looking like she just got out of bed :)

MilesPerHour said...

First visit here and I spent some time reading your recent posts- great stuff! You have a new follower.

The pale observer said...

Excellent! He could be your bff - shiopping buddy!!!

Great post - witty and fun! Glad I found your site.


Holli in Ghana.

JennyMac said...

So...cliffhanger...did he grab the caboose or what?

LOL..this made me laugh. You tell a great story.

Judearoo said...

Oh dear. That is too funny. I honestly cannot wait to hear about the next one, you really are ticking off the dates you dont wanna go on list. Not to say taht you didnt obviously have a heap of fun with him but... Are you going to tell your Mam the reason she shouldnt go buying a hat just yet with THIS one? :D

ladytruth said...

MilesPerHour: welcome and thanks for not making me feel like an egotistical shmuck for reading my old posts every now and again ;)

The pale observer: make yourself at home, drinks here are always free :)

JennyMac: I think he plays a good round of golf with that grip of his, but he was very gentleman-like about it ;)

Judearoo: I tell Mom everything cause when she finds out, she'll give me the blame-eye for withholding information from her. She can keep a secret, though, not even the Jaws of Life could get it out of her.

Mega8815 said...

OMG that's actually so cool. Hopefully you made a friend in him?

ladytruth said...

Mega: he'll probably be the first date I befriend. The poor thing doesn't know what lies in store for him: endless hours of shopping sprees, infinite minutes of saving my dignity when I make a fool of myself having too many JD's and immeasurable moments of good fun. He looks fit enough, though ;)

time said...

Amazing. He sounds absolutely astounding.

cfoxes said...

So can he be your gay best friend? LOL. Thanks for your opinion on my blog yesterday. I need that boost from someone outside looking in to see if I saw the situation clearly. I think I do.

Lola Lakely said...

At the very least you made a new friend. And the very best friends are gay in my opinion. nice write up. I especially loved, loved the last line "But if it'll make you feel better, I'll grab your ass when we go sing All the single ladies." Brava ladytruth. Brava. I am giving you a standing O not for your Louis Vuitton but for your blogeriffic style.

Dan. said...

Lovely award for you on my bog. Scamper over and collect it.

rubbish said...

Are you really going on dates that your Mum is fixing up? Fair play. Hope you meet Mr Right.

plainolebob said...

Hey least the guy was honest from the git go, some them people don't give a hoot one way or another.
win win I say, you had a good time an he took care of mom an dad, you got a friend and he got a better one.

Leah Rubin said...

Sounds like you made a friend, and that's often better than a date... I mean if this is a friendship that will last longer than some dating relationships! He was a very good sport to go out with you, given that he's in a long-term relationship. I give him high marks! And your mom-- well, maybe she can take this as a wake-up call. Like maybe you'd like to find your own dates... or not. What do I know????

ladytruth said...

time: I'm sure he tried his best to keep up ;)

cfoxes: I don't think Chris will be too happy if gets replaced by a gay guy as my best friend. As for my opinion: no problem. I love giving it, as you know :)

Lola: thanks for that. You know the feeling is mutual, right?

Dan: just came back from your blog and just loved what you wrote about mine. Thanks again for the award :)

rubbish: nah, I don't believe in Mr. Right anyway, but why not have fun along the way whilst wining and dining well at the same time?

plainolebob: very true. I actually considered a post about lying on these dates I'm going on. I sometimes wonder if honesty really is the best policy in these circumstances?

Leah: if it were up to me, I won't be going on any dates any time in the next 30 years. I suppose Mom just wants to help in her way to see me living in that happily after ever situation ;)

erin said...

How did I miss this!?
Sounds like you had a lot of fun at least and made a new friend.
Though I have to say, it's sad when you have more fun with someone you have no chance of screwing...

Josefine said...

Forget about the man, I need some pictures of your shoe closet!!!

Sally-Sal said...

Well, at least you guys can laugh about men together, right? Right. :)

ladytruth said...

erin: maybe if we were both very, very drunk and very, very desperate and very, very depressed. Who knows? ;)

Josefine: I herd an extensive shoe collection of which I'm almost more proud than my four varsity degrees. Every woman has her little shopping sin, yes?

Sally-Sal: right :) Looking at pics of his partner it seemed like we even have similar taste in men which could only work to my advantage.