Wednesday, September 9, 2009

One down, nine to go

I went on my first of ten dates tonight. But I didn't go alone. In this day and age where books are being written about the wonder of the serial killer, I took some back up in the person of my best (guy) friend, Chris. As punishment for him being related to that woman who came up with the idea in the first place and encouraged my mother to such an extent that she even seems very excited about it.

My mother was told in no uncertain terms what MY terms of engagement would entail: no giving out my phone number to any man, no mention of my home address (why make it easier for stalkers and peeping toms) and she had to give me money in case the date "forgot" his wallet.

What? Don't give me that look! I'm not going to waste my hard earned cash on my mother's version of an arranged marriage.

Chris had strict orders: no leaving without me in the car sitting right next to him, no funny faces during the whole episode (he had to sit at a table close by so he could keep an eye out for any funny business from the person of interest) and the only break of any kind would be that of an arm or leg when the guy starts thinking he's Deuce Bigalo.

Mom wanted me to pin a red rose to my dress, but I told her that the 1950's were over. Done. Gone. Just like many girl's dream about becoming a princess like Diana. She sure opened a few eyes to the royal side of life. Besides, the red would clash with my pink dress and if the date were to remember anything about this night, I would at least like him to remember me in style.

As soon as I walked into the restaurant, I saw a tallish man with a jacket get up from his table. He walked over to where I was standing and immediately won some brownie points. I hate it when people wave. If you want to throw your hands in the air like an idiot who doesn't care, go to a rugby game for crying out loud and join the Mexican wave. By not acting like a drunk manic the date was now only at negative 20. Good start.

He introduced himself as Andre and I confirmed my not so hidden identity. I actually wanted to go as Ladytruth, but my mom looked at me funny and asked what stupid pseudonym that was. Go figure.

Andre was average. And that was okay as it exceeded all my expectations. Anyone not resembling Ben Stiller with piercings in all kinds of awkward places was a bonus in my book. He was not as tall as Shaquille O'Neal or as short as a hobbit. At this point I was thinking maybe my mother has been hiding her friends' sons from me for no good reason.

Andre put his hand under my elbow to steer me to our table. Pretty old school, but at least he wasn't grabbing my ass. Another sigh of relief; probably from Chris's side of the room too as I don't think he has much experience in the bouncer department.

We started talking and it seemed as though things were going pretty well. He didn't spray saliva all over me when he spoke and he even laughed at some of my remarks. I might just keep him around for my self esteem, this considerate and kind fellow.

I should've known it was too good to be true when the waiter came over and I ordered a cocktail. Andre asked for a glass of water. What a person drink says a lot about him. Also what a person does for a living.

Andre: "So how do you keep busy?"

LadyTruth: "Apart from conquering the world one man at a time these days? Nothing too strenuous. How about you?"

Andre: "I just got back from Zambia doing missionary work. I'm now busy applying to churches here in becoming a full time preacher."

At first mentioning the word missionary made me smile (he seemed like the type) until my slow, cocktailed brain cells put the word in context. The boring, first idea that popped to mind seemed not so repulsive after thinking about it for a while.

Could you imagine me as a preacher's wife? You can? Congratulations on your amazing imagination. Organising Bible study for people who are so pretentious they have season tickets to heaven already? Pass, thank you. I grew up in a strict, Christian home and I still go to church on Sundays. I just don't attend the extra gatherings any more because there's more life in a crematorium. Poor, kind Andre would be criticised all day and night about his wife and her worldly ways.

I even felt guilty sipping my cocktail after that. I kept censoring my language to try and not be my usual obscene self. But it was as good as putting a giraffe in a crocodile suit: it just felt uncomfortable. To make things worse, I kept hearing Bette Midler's From a distance in my mind and got stuck on the part that goes: "God is watching us." In this case it was from not such a great distance.

Before I ruined the whole evening, I lied and told Andre I had to go because I needed to do some laundry at home.

Chris kept singing Joy to the world all the way back to my place. He was just begging for a kick in the knee. Then my mother phoned. When I thanked her for not telling me Andre's occupation, she said I was the one who told her I wasn't interested in what the men did for a living.

"Besides, it's a minor detail. What a man earns can't be compared to how much love he can hold in his heart and a man of God will give you a whole lot of loving."

"Eeeuw, Mother!"

I'm now doing laundry because I felt bad lying to a preacher. I guess Mom's dream of sitting in the front row of church is disappearing like wrinkles after botox as I'm typing. Can't help but wonder who person of interest number 2 will be, but just the mere thought makes me weary.


JennyMac said...

a Man of God will give you a whole lot of loving?

HAHAHAHAHA. I would LOVE to meet your Mom.

Ed Adams said...

Not all Christians are uptight pompous Assholes. I'm not, and I'm a christian. Nobody is perfect in and of themselves, otherwise there would be no need for a savior. But yeah, a lot of Christians do have a holy than thou attitude. And alot of traditional services and extracurriculars are boring as hell.

Mr. Condescending said...

I grew up in a strict christian home as well! I also tried to devirginize as many church girls as possible, but it was ultra difficult!

I hope you find a perfect guy.

mo.stoneskin said...

What kind of preacher only drinks water? Kidding. Sort of. Jesus would have had wine wouldn't he? Hmm, I should stop there. So, if you see him again will you confess to lying? 'Forgive me, for I...'. I jest, but hope you find the right date and you don't meet any freaks!

Mega8815 said...

No hey... I can't get my imagination to stretch that far... LOL! And what's the fun in getting to know someone but you can't be yourself? That's lying to a preacher on it's own... LMAO!

ladytruth said...

JennyMac: she sure is something else at times, me mum, but we all still love her to bits.

Ed: and don't I know it ;)

Mr. C: the fun in picking the "flower" is in trying, yes?! As for the perfect man? I've met many, many Mr. Right Nows but very, very few Mr. Rights ;)

Mo: hehehe! Luckily we don't do confessions, thank goodness for small mercies as I just dodged a bullet right there. I'm sure God understands that I didn't want to damage the profession by dating someone who's at the steer of things :)

Mega: neither could I. He was a great listener though so I might just give him a ring again when I need to hear the sound of my own voice for hours at a time ;)

otherworldlyone said...

You know, young clergymen aren't bad in bed. You might have given him something else to worship. ;)

Just sayin'.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Sounds like you had the funnest time ever. Can't wait to hear about the other nine.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Poor, kind Andre would be criticised all day and night about his wife and her worldly ways. Ohh gotta love when future flashes before your eyes lol.

erin said...

All I could think of the whole time I was reading this was 'FREE FOOD'. I would love to go out to eat instead of cooking tonight. Fly over here and take me out, I'll dress up like a dude.

Eric said...

I don't know, maybe he might go back into the lineup after the next nine? If the occupation is the only issue... :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you're just the woman he needs, Ladytruth. You'd show him a few tricks in bed and bring out the beast in him. Every Christian has an inner devil waiting to get out. So what if he drank water, not everyone likes alcohol. I knew a teetotal Frenchman who used to shag a different woman every week.

mysterg said...

I concur with you...three people in a relationship is one too many, and how on earth are you supposed to compete with God?

ladytruth said...

OWO: I think I could rock a halo.

Tennyson: at least that's one of us ;)

Alpha B: it was one pretty scary future!

erin: you've got a deal :)

Eric: I don't know if he fits the profile. He let me talk too much which means he was either not listening to a word I was saying or he was busy dying from blood loss thanks to biting his tongue too long.

GB: maybe he won't want to be a preacher any more after I'm finished with him. He might want to become a writer and sit at home all day waiting for me to show him the path to enlightment. Too exhausting for my taste.

mysterg: my thoughts exactly! Here's the man with some common sense.

Jeff said...

most first dates are battles in how long it takes to get to the "awwww" moment.

"you're a preacherman? awwww"
"you have every star wars character in the original packaging? awwww"
"you are waiting for marriage? awww"

Constructive Attitude said...

LOL at the Bette Midler song. In choir class we had to sing that song all the time. It was a public school.Go figure we w ould be singing something like htat.

Anyways, I'm excited to hear about date number 2!

Anonymous said...

LOL...your descriptions are always so funny..Can't imagine you as a Preacher's wife:)

You have award to collect on my blog:D

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

oooooohhhh...i love this. I can't wait to hear about the others.

PS- you would make a hot preacher's wife.

ladytruth said...

Jeff: it was a pretty short battle then, I guess ;)

Constructive A: public school isn't that bad. At least you get to meet and get used to psychos before you start working in the "real world."

kasabiangirl: that certainly makes two of us! Thank you, I'll be right over :)

Jeve: you just know what to say to make a girl feel special. If you weren't gay, I'd be all over you like ketchup on a fried egg ;)

Madame DeFarge said...

He seems nice, which is to be welcomed, but if he doesn't float your boat over the Sea of Galilee, then hey ho. At least you got your laundry done.

Buggys said...

Does your mother know you at all? Wishful thinking on her part? On to number 2 then.Good luck!

Dan. said...

Hello. New joinee. A great read there. You say you have ten dates lined up? How were they arranged? (Sorry if I have missed the explanation) Was there some sort of lottery system in place, or more "Friend of a friend"?

And lying to a Christian is not good. But it's OK. He has to forgive you. It's kind of like the rules or something.

I look forward to the next instalment.

Trinity said...

This is my first(of many) visits to your blog and I can see that this will be interesting.

I love stories of dating since I haven't had to go on any in so long. I secretly hope things go poorly so we get more awesome stories.

Maybe your mom will play Devil's Advocate and get you a date with a satanist.

Mariann Simms said...

First off...I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks "water"??? What kind of drink is water to order out??? If I want to sit and drink water...I can do it in my house.

Then that whole "can give you a lot of loving" bit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I am still contemplating doing a dating site which specializes in impotent men. Impotent rich men...even better. Impotent rich OLD men...yep, I'm long as he's not into anything creepy. Ewwww...I just creeped my own self out there.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...


PoliticsChick said...

You had me at "God is watching us." Man, I feel like I can honestly comment on this - being as you say a sunday service goer. (Yes, I know, I run a relationship column that often talks about sex - LOL) Thats cause we all want it, holy or not. LOL

And that's precisely what makes me cringe with the dating a preacher. I start to think his so holy that I'd be doomed to a life a missionary style FOREVER. As so as that thought crosses my mind its clear that they must be eradicated as date material. Let's save them for women who still want the lights out during the dirty.

Great story...I'm staying here now.

One Sassy Girl said...

Oh... this is seriously too good!! I would LOVE to have 10 blind dates with the safety of a man nearby and the funding from my mother. Not because I'd find love - that is sooo unlikely, yet I wish it for you - but because the ol' blog will write itself! You may not fall in love, but you will gain some very entertaining life experiences - always a worthwhile endeavor. Keep the posts coming.
Oh, and why 10? What's that about? Maybe I missed an earlier post explaining this?

otherworldlyone said...

C' had to have gone on that second date by now? Are you abandoning me? You know I have issues.

ladytruth said...

Madame D: it was more like a little trip around a small island. Sadly, it was a boat and not a yacht so no, he is definitely not the future Mrtruth.

Buggys: the problem is that she knows me all too well. I get the method in the madness with preacher-boy because I need some stability in my life and Mom probably thought he was it. She can't always be right; that would make it way too freaky. Don't be a stranger ;)

Dan: welcome! No, this is just my mom's version of an arranged newage marriage. Just another day in the life, I guess :)

Trinity: thanks for stopping by and living vicariously through me ;) As for playing devil's advocate: I think only Charlize Theron is the only South African that could do that with the proper style and finesse

Mariann: I'm all for sugar daddies. I think it's the next best thing since the hairdryer ;)

Alpha B: I love answering all types of questions and will jump to it as soon as possible. Thanks, Alpha!

PoliticsChick: amen to that, sista, a-bloody-men! Hope you enjoy your stay at my blog ;)

OSG: I know, right? But it's kinda like asking what could possibly go wrong and right then your bra strap snaps in the middle of dinner. As for the ten men in ten weeks? Who knows how Mother and her friend came up with this crazy idea in the first place? The significance of the number still riddles me too.

OWO: I'm back and ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmbbbbblllllle! I wish I was as excited as that sounded. Going on the date in a couple of hours, that means blogging about it asap.