Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Cake and sex: there's always room for seconds

A word of warning: send the kids to bed for this one, dear friends, unless you want your child looking like this for the rest of his life after reading about the birds and the bees before the time is ripe:

Judearoo and otherwordlyone gave me two very different but extremely delightful tasks. The one involves cake. The other: sex. I even wrote a post on the combination of these two things. Let's just say things ended up with me sneaking out of the cake-baker's apartment but of course not without eating another quick slice. I'm all for quickies.

Judearoo was channelling Marie-Antoinette, but the cake came at a price: I need to tell her (and since you've tuned in you might as well read about it too) three things about myself that she couldn't tell from my style of writing or what I choose to write about and as I didn't want to use up all the space on her comment-area, I decided to do it back here.

I wish all cake was this cheap and easy to get. Or maybe not as I might just have to join the CA.

1. I still blush upon receiving a compliment. How bloody ridiculous is that. You'd think after 25 years I would be able to get those blood vessels under control, but they're about as stubborn as your eyes not wanting to open on a Monday morning.

2. I cry. A lot. Think the Pacific ocean. If the make-up companies ever really want to put their waterproof mascara to the test they should let me wear it while watch something like Gran Torino or even Marley and Me where the lab lies under the tree outside about to die. Just thinking about it makes my eyes itch of emotion.

3. I'm not funny in 'real life' or otherwise known as 'the life outside the blogasphere'. My friends never laugh at things I say or at my jokes (laughing at me and my relationship status doesn't count). Maybe because I keep forgetting the punch line? Whateva. Punch lines are overrated anyway. Like The Jonas Brothers.

Hee hee hee.

otherwordlyone recognised my closet-exhibitionism and called me out on it. I'm rehabilitated, really, and now I only expose sex stories. The terms are these: "Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes and dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want ... it's totally up to you!"

Only 3? Pity.


1. Foreplay is a must. I don't spend my hard earned money on sexy, sink-your-teeth-into-this-you-naughty-boy-lingerie for only my own enjoyment. Sex is like a 5 course meal: you don't insult your host by immediately jumping to dessert. You savour every deliciously different dish and when that chocolaty piece of heaven finally lies there before you, you utter a grown of delight and roll every spoon full in your mouth teasing your taste buds until the next bite. Hmmm ...

2. Don't suck my ear. Don't nibble my ear. Whispering in my ear results in uncontrollable laughter for some reason. But the neck? Ah, that is a whole different story. Caressing the it with a touch as light as a butterfly and my heart is like a little lamb dashing from a wolf in my chest; a lingering kiss in the nape of the neck and I could easily be a member of the band Wet wet wet.

3. My sex-story happened during my last trip to the coast. A few friends and I went to my family's beach house over Easter weekend. That's where I met Cody, the Surfer. His name wasn't really Cody but one of the guys was infatuated with Surf's up and wouldn't stop calling him that. Don't feel bad for Cody because one look in the mirror and I'm sure he'd get over it because he was gorgeous. Think Baywatch meets Hung. He was indeed a sight for sore eyes. Let me just wipe the drool off my keyboard quickly.

One evening we went to the only restaurant in the complex our beach house is located in. It rained that day so everyone started drinking unusually early. You can only play so many games of 30 seconds in a sober state before you want to strangle your partner who didn't know Joan Jett originally sang I love rock and roll and not Britney Spears. Can you tell my friends are a bunch of jocks?

After a few hours of that torture we didn't feel like cooking and walked to the restaurant where we caught up with Cody who was sitting at the bar having a beer. His hair was still wet as he had just finished surfing, The perfect storm-waves and all. I think that's why I liked him so much; he had a fearlessness about him. Add an amazing set of teeth and you have a winning combination.

The bar had a limited selection of liquor (no JD or Vodka) with only one cocktail. You guessed it: sex on the beach. They replaced the vodka with coconut rum (ugh) but it was either that or beer. So we sexed it up. Big time.

The friends soon went home (cheaper booze) and Cody asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach. He was a true gentleman wrapping me in his waterproof jacket and during the walk his fingers comfortably slipped into mine like a hand finding its glove.

Cody talked about his life growing up at the coast, his ambitions of becoming a lawyer some day and his love for painting. He took me to his 'serious spot' as he called it which turned out to be a hidden piece of beach next to some rocks. For a while we just lied there on the sand listening to the crash of the waves when he leaned over and traced the outline of my lips when I parted them and welcomed his rather rough, salty index with my awaiting tongue.

Now, this may all sound very sexy and sensual and it was until the first sand crab stuck its curious clippers out to see what earthquake was waking the whole colony. The next one popped its head next to my arm and if these creepy fuckers weren't enough to ruin the mood, it started raining. Okay, raining might be an understatement cause I could handle a few drops and even imagine me being a mermaid being schooled in the way of the sea by the god Poseidon himself. But it poured down so hard that I thought we were going to drown on dry land.

I felt like this poor boy with my beach adventure coming to such an abrupt halt.

I ended up with pneumonia a few days later but not before Cody and I continued our "sex on the beach" armed with a blanket, umbrella and insect repellent. The moral of the story?

Just stick to the cocktail.


Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Whoah, real sex on the beach. Now that is some fine work. Always wanted to do that and never managed. Well played ma'am, well played indeed.

One Sassy Girl said...

Wowser. My sex on the beach led to sand in painful places and awkward dry humping. It was less than sexy and will not be repeated. Ditto on the foreplay, but those quickies can be quite delicious, too, so long as everyone is properly horny and uninhibited.

Mega8815 said...

Outstanding post! (And I love that last comic pic! ROFLMAO!!)

I also did the sex on the beach... no not the drink... okay that too... ANYWAY! And had sand in places I didn't know I had in the first place. If you know what I mean.

Surfers are SO yummy, I totally agree. Okay I guess not all of them. I dunno.

Total ditto on the foreplay for me as well. I am NO whambamthankyoumam kinda girl. I hate it. Like I hate a South African taxi driver. Enough said. =)

A quickie isn't a bad idea at times though... Heeeheee!

The ear nibble? Yeah that's me. You got me. I love it. I love hearing him close, his breathing etc. The thing about me is... my skin is super sensitive. ALL OVER my body. No exception. SO yeah... giggling makes up a lot of the foreplay I guess. But at least I've been told I have nice giggle. Urgh.

Okay I'll shut up now. Me and my big damn mouth. Eish! (LOL!)

Judearoo said...

Woohoo love it!

.... wish Id thought of the sex questions. Fook the cake. ;)

Cant believe you still blush you darling girl! That is seriously cute. I dont get embarrassed with compliments but I do take them quite seriously. My medical editor called me an angel this morning and am ridiculously pleased.

I hear you on the ear thing; leave em ALONE for christ sake. Nothing worse that major giggles when you're trying to get hot and steamy. Worst case of that I ever had was with this very hot guy I was seeing for a while. He was from a very rural part of the west of Ireland; Ive no problem with that, so am I. But he had a connemara accent you could cut with a knife. And he was into phone sex. Disaster.
"Can you feel me touching ya" in a stonking ballykissangel meets darby o gill accent had; cue hysterics. Didnt last, as you can imagine.

Beach sex, niiice. :)

Proud Maisie said...

I like things whispered in the ear, especially if they are mean, but I am with you on the whole nibbling, biting, licking, whatever thing. I suffer from eczma in my ears, and I keep telling 'em that one day they are gonna do it and reeeeally regret it. My apologies for tarnishing your blog with yuck.

Anonymous said...

I didn't realise it was Barry White hour. Next time, give me some notice and I'll do my hair. :)

Organic Meatbag said...

Niiiiiiiice post, ladytruth!! It's always fun to learn more about an interesting person such as yourself, you naughty beach bunny...hahahaha! And congrats on your most definitely deserve them!

The Peach Tart said...

Congratulations on your awards. I agree with you on foreplay. Also, the pleasures found on the neck. Beach sex has never done so much for me because I always get sand it places I don't want it to go.

Mr. Condescending said...

I'm with tennyson in that I'd like to have sex on the beach but I won't do it because the same reasons sass and mega had. I don't want no sandpaper p*ssy! hah.

JennyMac said...

Beach sex....ahhhh I remember it. The bigger challenge is avoiding the very sand I found to be so alluring in the first place. LOL.
Hope you are doing well!

Sally-Sal said...

I think it's cute that you still blush from compliments!
I blush when I'm embarassed, but that hasn't happened for awhile :o)

otherworldlyone said...

I knew you would do that award justice...and you didn't disappoint! ;)

Foreplay thing was great...and right on the money. I'm an ear chick. S'long as they aren't whispering "sweet nothings" in it, we're good. Whisper away...just make it dirty.

Surfer boy...nice. Sorry to hear about your crabs though! ;)

ladytruth said...

Tennyson: if you do ever decide to try it, go armed with the necessary equipment ;)

OSG: just the mere thought of dry humping makes me cringe. Maybe we were saved by the rain then.

Mega: don't worry too much about the big mouth; I'm sure some men (Mr.C) would appreciate that ;)

Judearoo: I have a soft spot for an Irish lad, but I think that one would even have given me the eeks!

Proud Maisie: my blog said she's just fine and doesn't mind the eczma as tarnish only from herpes. ;)

Matthew: sure thing. Then you can put on your white suit and turn up the "Can't get enough of your love baby." Damn! Now I can't get that song out of my mind!

Organic M: beach bunny? Thank you! Does that mean I'm one step closer to making Playboy bunny status?!

Peach Tart: I think I'll take sand any day over crabs ;)

Mr. C: think of it like football: it's all about positioning :)

JennyMac: true true! It seems like you are having a really great time in Seattle. JohnnyMac might just have to drag you back home, right? :)

Sally-Sal: it's my parents fault, really. They never gave me enough compliments growing up ;)

OWO: I find that a man's mouth sometimes has another, better purpose than that of talking and the crabs? Nah, we brushed them off in no time ;)

Mr. Condescending said...


Gorilla Bananas said...

His serious spot? Hahah! You must have been very infatuated not to have giggled at that.

Critty Critty Bang Bang said...

You are a stronger woman that I to even consider continuing your romp after those scary crab fuckers showed up! Makes me want to fart in terror, in terror I say!
I totally agree with you on foreplay. It is most definitely not optional.

Madame DeFarge said...

Outstanding. Not sure I would want the juxtaposition of me, man and crabs in any context. And where was Cody's frivolous spot?

ladytruth said...

Mr. C: you know I'm right ;)

Gorilla B: I sure was!

CCBB: first of all: welcome! The crabs were a tough crowd, I have to say. But Cody made up for all the pain and suffering :)

Madame D: His famous spot by the rocks was much more romantic in the flattering moonlight than the scorching reality the sun necessarily brings. Luckily we got out before the tide came in or this would've been a whole different story.

erin said...

I loved this post. The sex story is always the best. I wish that Jeremiah's mom didn't read my blog or I could tell you all about how I almost plunged to my death on our oceanfront balcony last vacation. It was...scary/exciting/memorable?
Ah well, I'll just write about depressing things instead! ;)

ladytruth said...

erin: I would pay to read about that plunge! But it's best to keep things PG rated when either your or his mother reads your blog. My mom still thinks I haven't been deflowered and to top it all: I'm daddy's little girl. It is thus better for a boyfriend if we keep it that way :)

Eric said...

A serious spot is any spot you can take a woman to and get serious.

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

Beach sex. Can I have your life- minus the crabs?

ladytruth said...

eric: so THAT'S what he meant! ;)

Jeve: I'd rather be in a dinamic duo like yourself than have these one time get togethers :)

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

First of all - Jonas Bros are overrated lol.

But darnit, that rain ruined everything lol, and it was just not the setting for one of those upside down spiderman kisses. Better luck next time. *sigh* ;)

ladytruth said...

AlpHa B: at least one person with some good taste in music! ;) I've always wanted an upside down spiderman kiss, but sadly could not find the right candidate for the job as they usually refuse to be bitten by a creepy crawly. Big sissies. ;)

Constructive Attitude said...

I cry a lot too. Maybe not as much as the pacific ocean, but more like the lakes of

Kristin said...

Sucking of the ear? That just sounds wrong. Ah ha

ladytruth said...

Constructive A: I think between the two of us we could supply water to a small town ;)

Kristin: there should be a law against it, I say!