Thursday, July 16, 2009

A Wednesday night, a roller coaster and a tongue

It's 8 o' clock on a Wednesday night and suddenly my doorbell rings. Even my dog looked at me all puzzled before jolting off to start barking at the front door. Now normally this would not be a weird or crazy sight, but it's -3 degrees Celsius out there (or about 26 degrees Fahrenheit) and no one phoned beforehand to warn me not to wear my Leonardo Dicaprio jacket that reads: "Trust me, Rose, if I pull it out we will sink!" Similar to this picture:

The jacket with my striped pink and white legwarmers over my old brown school tracksuit pants with my trusty old furry pink slippers after I've had a steam bath and facial mask that left me glowing like a firefly. There is no time to "throw on something glamorous" as I'm wearing four layers of clothes with my hair looking like the scene out of There's something about Mary. Bloody hell.

Turns out to be Mr. Chase (my friend started calling him that after she heard about the whole childhood story from running around the playground) and really the last person I wanted to see because what's a worse passion killer than, well, the whole me at this stage!

"Hello, Beautiful," were his first words.
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Either he hasn't seen his optometrist in a looooooooong time or he's just a fantastic liar.
"I have a surprise for you!" he smiled, all excited.
"Surprise? What surprise?" I normally like surprises, but not when I haven't been warned in advance.
"Go get dressed quickly and you'll see!"

I really wasn't in the mood for frostbite, but I could see he was very determined and overly excited. I couldn't even try and persuade him with a seduce method because I looked so shit. So I went and changed while thinking it better be an AWESOME surprise. The last time a guy "surprised" me, was Neil. He came to my house at three in the morning, made me walk with him to this twenty four hour fast food place where he bought us each a footlong. He then took me to the rooftop of the library where he had set up a little romantic scene with candles and blankets and pillows and hundreds of daisies (my favorite) scattered all over the floor so it seemed like we were walking in a field of them. Just too bad his roommate looked like Johnny Depp :-)

Anyway! My expectations were pretty high. It didn't stay that way for long. He took me to an amusement park. With a roller coaster. I. Hate. Roller coasters. Why would I want to pay to puke my guts out in front of twelve year old kids? I'd rather just have a few tequilas and not remember my shame the next day whilst still achieving the same effect. Minus the twelve year olds, though.

But I smiled and told myself that I had my big girl-panties on and that all will be well seeing as I haven't had supper yet and lunch was a distant memory. Mr. Chase gripped my hand and said:
"Hold on for the ride of your life!"
Seriously?! He has obviously never had mind-blowing sex before :-)

The roller coaster was a little cart that went around a mountain of sorts, through a tunnel that probably represented a mine and I felt my stomach turn as the damn thing started gaining speed. For one second I thought that it was the same feeling you get when you meet someone for the first time that you could actually fall in love with when Mr. Chase suddenly grabbed my boob. I looked at him with some curiosity (he was normally quite shy) and then he started screaming louder than the little girl in front of us who also turned round to look at this guy that was screeching at the top of his lungs whilst clutching anything and everything he could find. I just smiled at her and shrugged my shoulders. At least he cured me from my fear of roller coasters because looking at him belt it out gave me a good chuckle and before I knew it the ride was over.

Soon after that we went home because I couldn't feel my nose anymore from the cold. I went to the kitchen to make him some coffee with lots of sugar (I thought he needed that after the "rough ride"), but he was only interested in groping (again, anything and everything within his reach). Even though it felt like an octopus wanted to get in my pants, I started unbuttoning his shirt when he started licking my ear. Now I have no problem with a sexy little nibble, but this felt like my dog trying to stick his tongue as far down my ear as he possibly could to try and lick it clean. This and the thought of what he would sound like when he actually came (I just couldn't get the picture on the roller coaster out of my head!), made me push him off and say:
"Woo, look at the time! I completely forgot about the meeting I have tomorrow morning. We'll have to continue this some other time, okay?"

I'm still struggling to get all that spit out of my ear.


Sally-Sal said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! That picture cracked me up. That's one way to get over a fear of the rollercoaster.

otherworldlyone said...

I hate that shit. Not only does it feel gross (slobbering ALL up in somebody's ear), but the slrrrppp slrrppp makes me want to vomit.


Gorilla Bananas said...

It pains me to hear of such hamfisted seduction attempts. Some men really have no idea...

ladytruth said...

Sally Sal: I wish I had rather gone for therapy getting over my fear of roller coasters than looking at a grown man nearly wetting his pants right next to me ;)

Otherworldlyone: I totally agree: NEXT! Ugh, just imagine how slobbering wet my, nah, never mind!

Gorilla Bananas: THANK YOU DEAR GOD that there are actually men out there that has an idea of how foreplay is suppose to work :) I'm sure even the male gorilla has a better grasp on the art of seduction than Mr. Chase