Thursday, March 3, 2011

The honeymoon is definitely over, alright

The reason I have been absent for a while is because I've been busy dodging bullets. Bullets with a special inscription on them: BABIES.

It seems that when you're not yet married the most frequent question that pops up in any conversation is: "So, have you met anyone yet? You're not getting any younger, you know."

Yes, I knew. But then I got lucky and I got engaged to Chris. The single most frequent question then was: "So, when are you guys getting married?"

My answer used to be: "When our children insist on it."

I thought it funny back then. WAY back then.

Now that we've been married for a while, you know exactly what annoying question is asked in EVERY single conversation I have. People from the supermarket ask me that, people at the car wash enquire about it, people at the salon where I get my hair done nose about it. The worst is visiting my brother. His wife had to quit her job when they moved out of town and now her new mission in life is to probe into people's personal lives. She thinks she's a reporter and an inquisitor when actually she's just a nosy, probing ... alien.


Yeah, I know, but I've never been a fan of squeezing. Especially squeezing in having a baby before the clock strikes ... I don't know ... old-eggie-hour and then squeezing a big baby out of my tiny, pretty little ... hole.

There are books about everything these days. How to lose weight, how to gain weight, how to be your best self, how to anything. Unfortunately I missed the one on what happens after the honeymoon. The one that tells you how quickly people can be corrupted by angel faces.

Sure Chris and I talked about what we wanted in the future: a nice house with a garden and a fence for the dogs, a dishwasher as I don't want Gollum-looking hands when I'm older, enough money to live comfortably and one day, some day a baby. But thanks to my over-eager sex-crazed siblings who both now has 2 girls each, it seems that Chris's some day and my some day have taken slightly different time stamps.

I mean, who can resist little girls looking like this:

Me, I can. Cause I know that looks can be deceiving.
Don't be fooled by the smiles or the holding-hands-thing. They can yell like sirens and scratch like angry, hungry rats. But that doesn't seem to bother Chris. He adores the one on the left and can play with her for hours. Usually he pays for it when we get home since her idea of playing involves things that boys like to do: lots of running, kicking balls, jumping over home-made obstacles and see how high she can climb a tree without breaking a limb. He can't walk for 2 days after that. I guess that's the price you pay for marrying a (three year) older man... sigh.
It's difficult cause we're two in this marriage and even though he hasn't said anything or pressured me into having a baby I know it's something that he would like in the nearby future. I just don't think that I'm ready for that kind of responsibility. I can't even keep plants alive, for crying out loud.
The jury is still out on this one, but any advice will really help.


Sophia Blue-Stocking said...

I am sure you realise that ultimately, most advice won't be all that helpful. This here's one of them ones you have to work out for yourself.
Is it that you just don't feel the urge, or that the concept of a baby is just too big a scary deal? Because from what I have heard, that I'm-not-ready-feeling usually doesn't go away, even in people who want to make babies.
I think the only advice I can truly give you is that if it's a matter of just not wanting a baby right now, discuss it with him, explain, and avoid fertilisation. Otherwise, you could risk resenting him, and if ever you do decide to have a baby, you owe it to the kid to really, really want it. Good luck, honey!

Maryx said...

OMW Shame... I don't know what to shame for MORE - you or Chris or the people that are waiting on a bitch-slap from you if they continue with their crap.

I know.. it's super annoying when people start asking questions like that!

Word of advice - don't do it if you don't want it. What if you regret it in some way?

Good luck!

Helle Kristine Tumbridge said...

Ooops, sorry, Sophia Blue-Stocking is me. Forgot I was signed into the wrong account.

Organic Meatbag said...

Meh, don't let people bother you with all of that biological clock bullshit...this is your life, and you should be allowed to take it at your pace...and besides, how many kids are in that picture? 14? Geez...yeah, her vagina isn't stretched like silly putty, isn't it? hehehe

Gorilla Bananas said...

All I'll say is that you're better qualified for motherhood than half the women who get knocked up.

Sally-Sal said...

I've never wanted kids. It's not just an 18 or 20 or 30 year job, it's a lifetime job.

I think motherhood is something that's not for everyone. It doesn't take away from who you are in the slightest.

ladytruth said...

HKT: what great advice that is indeed! I knew that if I just put everything out there, there would be someone who'd help make a little more sense out of it. Thanks for the great comment :)

Maryx: bitch slaps will be going around quite soon, trust me!

Meatbag: silly putty ... he he he!!!

GB: awww, what a nice thing to say ;)

Sal: that's what scares me: a 50 year old 'kid' living in his Knight Rider room. Thanks for that comment :)

runawaybride said...

Its something both you and Chris have to sit and figure out. No amount of our advise can be of any help.

Sally-Sal said...

Or in his 'Lady Gaga' room.

Anonymous said...

Well, my friend, you have to be really, really honest with yourself. I am speaking from my own experience so take what you want, and leave the rest.

I never really was "into" babies. I mean I had a doll as a kid, one of those that when you put the water bottle in it's mouth it immediately wet it's diapers. I think after 3 days, I totally tired of that. The only doll I really liked was the Chrissy doll - I loved her beautiful auburn hair and loved to brush it. That lasted longer.

Fast forward - I baby sat - once, when I was 13. It was for two boys and by the end of the babysitting session I realized that was it for babysitting.

Fast forward - 17 years old. An aquaintance of 16 years gets pregnant and she is totally stressed out and has no patience for her child. I feel so sorry for both of them. It was a very difficult situation.

Now I am 27. I work a few years in a home for girls who find themselves pregnant and homeless for whatever reason. I get to see firsthand what stressors these girls are under and really, how much help they need. It's an eye opener.

I marry around the same age and start getting the baby questions. I ignore them as I had just gotten a new job with a demanding schedule. I agree with my now ex, to set aside babies till I hit 35 in order to make some serious baby raising coin.

35 hits. I end up with a chronic ongoing illness. I recognize, also, that my husband at the time is not really going to chip in for the day to day stuff, like doing ANY domestic chores without whining or negligence and can see who is going to have to change all the diapers (pretty much) late night interruptions, feedings, etc. The question arrises, from him, "He wants kids and wants to know what my answer is". I decide to ask some people, who are good people and parents, about the reality of children. I get some VERY candid answers. One in particular, a woman who has three kids tells me, if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't. Don't get her wrong, she loves her kids, but the demands, the drains and she told me, that with my compromised health, that it would be very hard on me. She is the last person I interviewed. I made my decision.

I then tell my husband at the time, no. He doesn't really make too much of a big deal about it because, really, I am the only adult in the relationship. I already had a kid, I learned that later.

I am so glad I followed my own truth on this. For me, I never really had the desire for children. I think kid's are great, heck, I was a kid, but I think that job should only be done by someone who really desires kids and really wants to give of their time, energy and resources into their upbringing.

Another thing that none seems to think about is this, what if you give birth to a disabled child and that child needs 24/7 care initially and then consistent support into their adulthood? Who will leave their job to care for the child? Who will stay at home to do the care. Do you have the additional physical, financial, emotional, mental resources for that?

I really knew when I was a teenager, that having a child was not for me. I think you just need to be rigorously honest about it. If you can honestly picture yourself, at the end of your life, being okay with not having a child, then, that is also another good indicator.

And don't think a child is any protection in your old age. I ended up moving in with my Mom to care for her (she developed Alzheimer's) and the rest of the family (adult kids) vanished. This happens all the time, unfortunately.

There, some more info for you to digest. Good luck and I wish you all the very best!

Possum said...

With the big things in life I have a rule of thumb...
if in doubt, don't

ladytruth said...

runawaybride: true,true, but I've gotten some amazing insight into this issue and can now make an educated decision regarding this matter.

Sal: Lord have mercy. But maybe we could then play dress up together. Chris is quite the meat eater so we'll have no problem recreating that baby (no pun intended) in the kitchen ;)

Anonymous: thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with me. I found myself nodding while reading every paragraph and found what you have written incredibly useful. Thanks for taking the time to write that comment, I really appreciate it since it helped me come to a decent decision :)

Possum: that sounds like one pretty good rule and in this case ... I think I'll make it mine as well :)

Anonymous said...

I am happy that my experience was able to help you Ladytruth. You are most welcome : )

tennysoneehemingway said...

I never thought I wanted a baby until I met Lady Hem. Now that's she's finally pregnant, I realise that I really do. But hell, I'm 45 now I STILL don't think I'm ready. I'm looking forward to it but it's still a big thing. You have to really be sure. But I think you have already made your decision so I don't want to influence anything one way or the other.

Lola Lakely said...

Everyone does everything in their own time. My advice is to go with what you feel. No one should push you into ANYTHING. And if they judge you for it? Eff them.

But then again, I'm awesome at running away from commitment, so maybe my advice shouldn't be the one you seek?

Missed you Lady!

rainboy said...

with time you'll know when u want to be a mother :)

Take care

Constructive Attitude said...

You're back!!! I didnt even realize it. Sigh. Anyways, welcome back! anddddd i sayyyyy (and what do i know really) TAKE YOUR TIME! be selfish, but def talk about it, get counseled on it, pray on it, and make sure you are ready!

Nick said...

Just be glad you're kids aren't asking you "So when are you moving into the retirement home?"

The Tame Lion said...

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

mo.stoneskin said...

Advise? Don't do it. My little angels are pushing me over the edge...

Ha ha kidding.

All I know is we miss the pre-kids days but wan't swap the little goblins for anything ;)